Bitter Cold
by astral-angel
Summary: Slash Adam wonders why Jay won't leave him alone. Adam x Jay


**Title: **Bitter Cold

**Author: **Mauzi

**Email: **WWE

**Pairing: **Edge/Christian

**Disclaimer: **None of the characters belong to me. Plot is mine.

**Distribution: **ask first

**Rating: **PG. Warning: Contains slash. Nothing major, but it's still there.

**Spoilers: **Nothing much, but definitely sometime after Edge's injury.

**Summary: **Adam wonders why Jay won't leave him alone.

**Notes: **This is my first attempt at a slash fic, so be nice. There's nothing graphic, but it is still slash, so if that's not your thing, please don't read it.

**Part 1**

Why won't you leave me alone? Why can't you stop haunting me, why do I see your face before I go to sleep? Why do you keep looking at me with those gorgeous eyes of yours and seem so wounded?

You don't have a right to be hurt Jay… you don't. Not after everything you've done… not after how you hurt me. Not after all the nights I've spent crying over you, only to see you smiling. You don't have a right to hang around and remind me about how things used to be between us.

Do you hear me? I don't want you here… I don't want you near me. I don't want to remember how soft your hair was… I don't want to remember how easily my lips used to slide over your skin… how you used to whimper my name whenever I kissed you… Damnit Jay, I don't want to remember you.

You make me cold inside… whenever I think about you, it's like I have ice sliding around my veins. Like I've been sitting in a tub of freezing water for days… That's how you make me feel now… Does that make you happy? Do you get off, knowing that you hurt me like that? I think of you, and I get this weird feeling in my stomach… not a good kind of weird, because it doesn't feel like it used to.

It used to be nice… it used to be that all I had to do was be near you, and I'd be on fire. You had that effect on me… you could make me burn up with a single smouldering look from those eyes of yours… And I loved it. I loved that all you had to do was touch me and I'd be yours.

But it's not the same anymore, is it? It hasn't been for a long time. We used to swear that if it ever got that bad between us, we'd do something, anything to make it better. Do you remember? I don't think I'll be able to forget, no matter how hard I try… now matter how hard I want to… it'll always be there. It'll always be there between us, no matter how hard we pretend to hate each other.

And that's exactly what it is, isn't it? Pretend. You pretended to love me, and I pretended to hate you. And god, that hurts to admit that. But it's true… I was just too god damned blind to see it. When did it start Jay? When did things start to go so wrong between us? I've spent so long trying to figure it all out Jay, trying to see why you did that to me, to us, and the thing is, I can't.

All I can see is your face when you swung that stupid chair at me. God, I don't think I'll ever get your face out of my mind. You looked so different Jay, and it tore me up inside. What happened Jay? And why didn't I see it? I was in love with you… you were my best friend, my lover; my everything… and I couldn't see how hurt you were. Funny, isn't it? You were busy busting me open, and all I wanted to do was to take you in my arms and tell you how sorry I was. Hell, I wasn't even sure what I did… but I knew that I needed to say it.

And you know what Jay? I don't want to feel like that. You're the one who turned on me, you're the one who betrayed me, and you're the one who broke my heart. Not the other way around. I don't want to feel like I should apologize, like I should hold you and make all your problems go away.

Damnit Jay, I hate you. I hate you for what you did. I hate you for how you destroyed me… how you destroyed us. I hate the fact that you can still make me love you… But do you know what I hate most Jay? Do you know what makes me want to kill you, makes me want to make you scream? The fact that you don't even know you're doing it. You're completely oblivious to how you make me feel.

God Jay, I broke my fucking neck and you didn't even send me a fucking get well card. Didn't come to see me… hell Jay, you didn't even call! Do you know how bad it hurt when I realized that you didn't care? That I could have lost everything, my entire dream, and you didn't give a damn. You're living it up on RAW Jay, and I'm sitting at home with a broken neck.

We were together for years… we loved each other for years. I know things got screwed up between us Jay, but I didn't think… I never would have thought you wouldn't have been here for me. But then again, I have been known to be wrong before. I mean, I never thought you would have whacked me in the face with a steel chair, so who knows… Maybe I just didn't know you as well as I thought I did. Maybe it was just one big fucking hallucination…

And that brings me to my current predicament. I can't stop thinking about you Jay. It's been almost two years, and I still see you around the house. I still wake up with your name on my lips. I still expect to see you running up to me, a grin on your face. Crazy, I know… but then again, no-ones ever accused me of being sane.

You won't go away Jay… you're always there… and for the life of me, I don't know why. It's been over between us for so long… and you still want to hang around. You still smile at me, you still love me… and I know that's wrong, because you stopped loving me a long time ago.

It hurts Jay… I didn't think it would hurt this much, for this long. I thought the pain would go away, I thought that someday, things would be better. But they're not Jay, and they're not going to get better. I'm not going to get better. You won't let me get better Jay, and I don't know why.

Wasn't it enough that you destroyed me? That you humiliated me in front of our friends, our family? That you broke my heart? Why do you have to do this to me Jay, why? Why can't you leave me alone?

I just want it to be over Jay, I can't take it anymore. I can't stand waking up only to find that you're not there… I can't handle knowing that you don't love me anymore… That you love Jericho instead. What, did you think I wouldn't know? I've seen how you hold him – you used to hold me like that. I know you're happy with him Jay… so why do you insist on staying by me?

I can't do this anymore Jay… I can't. It hurts too much Jay, it hurts so much. I'm sorry… though, I'm not quite sure what I'm sorry for. Sorry that things ended up the way they are… sorry that something I did pushed you to do what you did… sorry for what I'm going to do…

I never thought that I would do this… I never thought I'd get to this point… Funny, I'd always thought you would never let me get to this point… Guess I was wrong about that too…

It's so pretty, Jay. All nice and shiny and silver. Sharp too. It's so small Jay, but when used right, it has the power to end a life. It's so clean… I can see myself in it Jay… can see the tears that won't stop spilling out of my eyes… I can see this god damned neck brace I have to wear all the time… I can see, Jay.

I'm scared Jay… I'm scared because I know that this is wrong. But I can't seem to stop myself Jay, I can't stop. My hand keeps moving over my wrist, and I can barely feel the pain. But that's wrong as well, because it should hurt. I can see my blood Jay, so it should hurt. But it doesn't hurt Jay, and I'm scared.

Everything's getting darker Jay… it's all so blurry. It's so cold Jay, I'm so cold inside. Why is it so cold? My hands slipping, and I stopped Jay, I stopped. It's too late though, I think. I can't see myself anymore Jay… and I can't see you either Jay. I guess I got what I wanted… you're gone. But I'm still scared, and I need you Jay, I need you. I need to tell you that I still love you, that I never stopped loving you…

I can't feel anything Jay… I can't feel anything. But that's what I wanted, wasn't it? I don't want it anymore Jay, I'm sorry. I don't want this, I don't want you to go… Don't leave me in the dark Jay, I'm scared. Please don't go Jay, I need you… You promised me you wouldn't leave Jay… I'm sorry Jay… Don't go…

Jay?

**End 1/1**


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